MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
