she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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