i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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