they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize