When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
