The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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