Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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