I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
