"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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