yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
