I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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