Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
