I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
