Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
