Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
