Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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