Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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