note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
