I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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