just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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