I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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