You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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