Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I got chris browned last night
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
