I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
