Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
