I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
