She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
