I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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