I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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