Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
