my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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