I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
