My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
