my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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