I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
