My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
