They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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