I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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