so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
