a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
