im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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