Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
