A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
