apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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