just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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