Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
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