I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
