see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Brb crying the tears of my youth
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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