If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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