sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
