I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize