we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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