I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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