dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
