I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
