He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize