your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
