I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
