Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My dad just said "fuck circus"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
