he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
