I will die if light touches me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
