Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He felt like a one man threesome
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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