Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
