Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
