It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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