Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
