then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
