She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
