dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I only lived at night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
